The People You Will Meet

If you think that you know everything about people, and can get along pleasantly with all of them, you should really try selling your house some day: You will have the privilege to see people behave as you have never seen them behave before.

Beware! For some reason, many people who set out to view property undergo radical changes in transit. Perfectly honest and decent people turn into werewolves and vampires in the car on the way to view your home. And you will be opening the door for them with a smile!

You better prepare to meet them properly, because you want them to buy your home, after all. So, lets take a look at a few of the mutations you will encounter:

The Browser

He/she looks truly interested in the property. He/she loves all kinds of things about the property. He she makes small talk, ask about the price, and then falls back to making small talk.

They live nearby, are thinking of selling and upgrading/downsizing, but have not actually put their property on the market yet. They actually just came to snoop, but don't want to make you angry, so they make buying noises. Don't waste your time. It will never happen.

But allow them to look. It doesn't cost you anything. They might just tell someone who are looking to buy a property just like yours!

The Chinese Puzzle

The nervous tiny Chinese buyer unfortunately speaks no English. Luckily numerous family members, who will advise and translate, accompany him. They come in one/more flashy/modest car(s).

Although he/she has only been in the South Africa for three days, he/she already knows the asking price (and market value) for every property in the area.

He/she has several well defined requirements: the property must be spacious/not too big, tiled throughout/carpeted throughout, have a driveway which slopes up to the house rather than down/down rather than up, have the right Feng Shui vibes/face east/west/south/north.

If your property meets his/her requirements, he/she will bargain (and love every moment). Once he/she has beaten you down to what he/she considers to be, (and generally is), a reasonable price, he/she will be perfectly happy to sign the contract.

From then on, everything will then go like clockwork, and the family will be very helpful throughout. The Chinese Puzzle will honour his/her commitments.

The Family

He/she works for a large company. He/she works half day/part time and takes care of the kids and the household. The kids are between 0 and 16 years old and a handful, but happy.

They were transferred here and already have a buyer for their old house. The kids have already called dibs on rooms and mom is measuring the windows for curtains.

They spot the flaws in your house (which you never got around to fixing), but it doesn't scare them off.

The company will be paying for the transfer and moving, and there is a 5% deposit available. It's not much, but they only need a 50% mortgage bond, because the equity from the old house will pay the balance of the purchase price.

Hold on to them. They are nearly perfect. But be sure to include a 72-hour clause in the contract - just in case.

The Yuppie Bum

Dressed in designer labels from head to toe, this eloquent young buck/gazelle will speak of having recently sold his/her beachfront condominium/Sandton mansion/game farm/listed company/luxury yacht for a considerable fortune. The substantial proceeds will come through any time now, but embarrassingly, he/she needs to buy your property on deferred terms and with no deposit. But this will be, in essence, a cash sale (NOT!).

Names will be dropped. Jewellery will be flashed. And they will unfortunately require occupation immediately please, because some lesser royalty will be staying over next weekend.

The money is not a problem! His/her attorneys are under instructions to make the full purchase price available in cash, the moment the proceeds from the sale come through.

Don't be suckered by appearances and promises. Once he/she is holed up in you property, the sale that seemed like such a sure thing will suddenly fall through. But 'luckily' some other source of magnificent wealth will promise to pay for your property in just a few days.

The money will never come. And the gentleman/lady will prove very difficult and extremely expensive to get out of your home. When you finally reclaim possession of the property, the appliances and fixtures will have vacated the property as well.

The Tough Cookie

This person KNOWS about property. He/she has been around the block for a while. No one is going to pull a fast one on him/her.

He/she knows something you don't: You are desperate to sell your disaster of a house! He/she could see that you've got problems right off the bat: You are 'motivated' to sell because of money/marital problems, right? No-no, just be honest for a moment, my man.

Your property is totally over-priced. How much again? You're joking! This junker is not worth half that!

Listen doll, he/she has more than 30 years experience in the property market, so don't try to fool an old hand: The plumbing is a disaster and they've skimped on the concrete mix. The wiring looks dodgy and there are structural defects behind the fresh coat of paint. The finishes are rubbish. The tiling was done by a squint lepper on a moonlit night. And half the improvements will need to be demolished.

How long has it been on the market? Well get ready for another 6 months! Asking that price in this area? Never in a million years!

You can hear the highway as if you're standing on it. What? You call that ugly scene a view? And what IS that smell?

It'll never sell. But he/she will do you a favour and take it off your hands for this much. Look, he/she is probably going to regret that offer in the morning, so be sure to give him/her an answer by 17:00, which is in half an hour.

If you do sell to the Tough Cookie, things won't get better later. He/she will demand that his/her attorney handle the transfer, which will be delayed until a never ending list of minor faults has been fixed by his/her expensive contractors. Those repairs will come off the purchase price, of course.

He/she will continue to find fault with everything and frequently threaten to cancel the sale, which he/she can, because you allowed his/her attorney to draw up the contract. There will, off course, be no deposit.

The occupational rent will never be on time. And he/she will have the whole house rewired at your expense.

If you do transact with the Tough Cookie, be sure to have very good legal representation (of your own).

The Poor Bugger

This is a man/woman who is in financial trouble because his/her wife/husband/business partner has cheated him/her and emptied the joint bank account, whose company failed because of unfair competition or who has spent his/her last cent paying hospital bills for his/her mother's chemo/disabled child/niece/nephew's emergency operations.

He/she wants to enter into a lease with the option to purchase the property, just as soon as he/she gets back on his/her feet - which will be any moment now. No really! He/she has a foolproof scheme for making money, involving koi fish/love birds/arts and crafts/mushrooms/elephant compost/a guest house/the Internet/property.

The story is heart wrenching and persuasive, but you need to know when and how to say NO.

The moneymaking schemes will probably attract the attention of the health inspector/receiver of revenue/police. The chances of success are very iffy to start with, and when all the grandiose schemes fail, he/she will skip out in the middle of the night owing you six months' rent.

At least you might be able to recoup some of the losses selling the dead koi/love birds/half finished arts and craft/poisonous mushrooms/ tons of elephant pooh he/she left behind.

The Eccentric Millionaire

He/she comes to view your property in a rusting Datsun bakkie/stuttering Volkswagen Beatle with bald tyres and a blown exhaust, wearing dirty overalls/flowery sarong and scuffed shoes that don't match/no shoes at all, sporting facial piercings, faded tattoos and long oily hair peeking from under a tattered beanie/purple scarf. He/she is of unfathomable nationality, is impossible to predict and speaks English with an unsophisticated accent.

He/she is accompanied by a mangy cat/dog of dubious decent/parrot who needs to see the property as well. He/she spends half the viewing checking things like the basin waste traps/toothbrush holders/closet locks. If the cat/dog/parrot approves, he/she will make an offer after driving a hard bargain. He/she will buy through an anonymous Close Corporation/Company/Trust and pay the full purchase price in cash.

He/she wants to sign right now and move in Thursday, producing R500 000 in used fifty Rand notes from a plastic shopping bag tucked under his/her armpit/in his/her brazier. He/she offers to bring the other R3 million tomorrow morning before breakfast.

He/she is difficult to read or even recognise, but the Eccentric Millionaire is worth his/her weight in gold (literally), even if he/she looks like a refuse collector/fortune teller/circus performer.

Verifying his/her credentials will require the services of a talented investigator, but it'll be worth it!

The Romeo

He (because it is always a man) looks like money, drives a sports car, and comes to view the property with a long-legged blond who could easily have been his daughter. They'll hold hands while inspecting the property, and giggle excitedly, lingering for a kiss in each room, a little while after you've left to show them the next one.

He'll mutter in her ear, "Like it Darling?", and she'll gush, "I absolutely adore it!" He'll insist on making an offer immediately, at the full asking price. He'll hesitate at the final signature, pen poised, saying: "Err, I think I should just quickly ask my attorney/accountant/financial advisor/merchant banker which business/close corporation/trust/offshore holding company to use - for tax purposes, you know."

He'll whip out his cell phone and ring his advisor, who will not be able to give him an answer, since it's a Sunday afternoon, or because of the time difference in Tokyo.

Not to worry, he'll sort it out "first thing Monday morning", before "flying to New York". But he never does, and you never get hold of him again, because the telephone number he gave wasn't real.

The whole thing was done just to impress the pants off the young lady - not to secure the property. Your show house was just the cheapest date (and most effective) the Romeo could think of.

The Freelance Pastor

God has sent him/her/them. And God will provide.

They have been called to various places in South Africa (and abroad) before. They are in the process of selling their previous home, and the sale must be contingent on the sale of that house, but they need to take occupation as soon as possible, because the good Samaritans who have been providing them with lodgings have asked them to leave, throwing them out on the street, for all practical purposes.

They speak slowly and have gentle eyes. And God pops up in the conversation every now and then.

The church will pay the occupational rent and provide surety for the mortgage. You volunteer to lower the purchase price, just for them, and arrange to move in with your sister until you can take occupation of your new home.

But the occupational rent is late, the first month. Promises to make both payments next month. But those promises are also broken.

You have to go to court to evict them, because the sale of their other house fell through/the church refused to sign surety for the mortgage bond, and the occupational rental is in arrears for 4 months already.

Apparently God decided that YOU must provide!

The Freelance Pastor is a lot harder to get rid of than his/her close cousin, the Poor Bugger.

(Please don't complain about this characterisation. It is true. I am a Christian as well, but have come to distrust anyone who mentions "God" or "Jesus" in the first seven sentences of my first conversation with them. I have found that many sinners and scoundrels simply hide behind His name.)

The Slow Negotiator

He/she will be happy to sign the offer to purchase your property. And be happy when you accept the offer. He/she will be happy to apply for the mortgage and pay the deposit. And he/she will be happy that the transfer is going well.

He/she will be happy to take occupation of the property two days before the transfer takes place. But this is when he/she starts to re-negotiate the terms of your agreement!

He/she will claim that he/she was not aware of stuff that are obvious and was not concealed when he/sheviewed the property. And at this late stage in the sales process, he/she will want to have those things corrected/altered - at your expense!

He/she will threaten to cancel the contract (even though they cannot), and find fifty other things that you must pay for. And the Slow Negotiator is exactly the reason why purchase agreements in South Africa must be in writing.

Let your attorney remind them that the contract is binding and that the breach of contract section thereof will come into play if they continue on this path. And please just don't cave to their demands. The negotiations are over.

The Perfect Buyer

He/she phones to make an appointment to view the property. He/she asks sensible questions during the viewing, after arriving on time. They drive a Volvo, but the two kids and Labrador stay in the car while he/she views the property once.

He/she likes it (his/her wife/husband does too) and he/she signs an offer for close to the full asking price, along with a cheque for the deposit. The offer is non-contingent, or contingent on mortgage approval, but a certificate of pre-approval is attached.

He/she is delighted with the deal, doesn't annoy you by turning up every weekend before the final transfer, and produces his/her financial guarantees on time. He/she is understands that delays can occur during the transfer process and he/she is always honest, prompt and courteous.

He/she is out there somewhere. But you will most probably be meeting all the other folks first.