Kitchen repairs
Dear Landlord, because I realise that some landlords can be rather particular about this kind of thing, I am hereby requesting your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
I found a cockroach in my food. My doctor says I'm sick of it. Will you please send someone to fumigate?
Dear Landlord, our kitchen floor is very damp. We have two children already and would like a third, so could you please send someone to do something about it.
I am requesting urgent repairs to my stove. It causes backfires and recently burnt my knob right off.
Bathroom repairs
Dear Landlord, the toilet in the second bathroom is blocked and we cannot bathe the children in there until it is cleared.
My toothbrush got stuck in the basin. Please send someone to get it out, because I cannot wash my hair.
Dear Landlord, my lavatory seat is cracked. Could you please tell me where do I stand on this?
I am having difficulty bathing myself. Please send someone to help with the bath.
Dear Landlord, our toilet seat is broke in half into three pieces.
Our lavatory is blocked. The boys next door keep throwing their balls on the roof.
Dear Landlord, this is to let you know that our toilet seat is broken and we cannot get e-TV.
Plumbing repairs
Dear Landlord, my water has a strange colour and smells funny. It is too gross for me to taste. Please could yousend a man to look at my plumbing?
The sewer is blocked and drain water is forming a dam. I don't think my dogs can swim in it. Please send someone to save them.
Dear Landlord, would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
Dear Landlord, there are spiders that climb up the water spout, and when the rain comes, they come out. Can you please do something?
Dear Landlord, would you please send a repairman to fix the bath tap? It is very uncomfortable for us, because my wife got her toe stuck in it.
Dear Landlord, I woke this morning and found my water boiling.
Exterior repairs
Dear Landlord, will you please fix our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and fell pregnant.
Dear Landlord, remember the broken paving stone I reported? It was too small to repair back then, but I have broken four more pavers since then. Please send someone to repair them, before I cause more damage.
Neighbour complaints
The woman next door entertains men at all hours of the day. They get quite loud sometimes. Please do something before my husband decides to go over there himself.
Dear Landlord, this letter is to inform you that there is a terrible smell coming from the man next door.
The guy next door has a large erection in his back yard. It is dangerous and unsightly. What can I do about it?
Dear Landlord, I want to lay a complaint about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
Dear Landlord, I want to complain about the neighbour's dog. It barks all hours of the day and night. It leaves little "gifts" in front of our door. I might still get used to the noise, but I find the poo hard to swallow.
Other complaints
Dear Landlord, when those repairmen were here, they stuck their dirty tools in my wife's new white drawers and made a mess. Please send some men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
50% of the walls have rising damp, 50% have plaster crumbling off them and the other 50% are just plain filthy.
Dear Landlord, my wife hurt her ankle very badly when she put her foot in the hole in your back passage. Can you please cover it up or something?
Dear Landlord, could you please tell me when our repairs will at last be done? My wife has now become an expectant mother.
